Thursday, May 18, 2006
I've decided to tell you because there really is no point telling anyone else. Kinda sad really. Okay maybe one person knows but what doesn't he know these days; forces everything out of me. To make this qyick and short, I have a confession to make. For a little while, I kinda fell for a guy. A guy that I have fallen for in the past. It's funny how things change but the change is either totally different to what was, or just a complete revolution and gone back to that shitty starting point. I was alright for the timebeing, not completely convinced that he didn't like this particular someone but managed with constant denials of it. I knew there was some lie in the truth he presumably told me. So like I told that person who knows, I don't think you can prepare for something like this. I mean yeah, of course, I saw this coming but to prepare for it is totally different. It's just not possible because what you think is going to happen, isn't going to happen just like that. And we're talking about emotions. Never in the world can you prepare for something like this. Especially if it's not going to go in your favour, which in my case, like nearly all, it didn't. He told me the "truth" - that he really did like her. I felt really just so cut.. I didn't think i'd be so affected but that's what ive been telling myself for the past .. however long. I hadn't felt that kinda rejection-pain-ish for awhile so it wasn't really nice. I cried for a bit.. but what's new in my life. It's a mess and it has been for so long. I vowel not to get involved..but i guess you cant help these things sometimes. shit happens. My crazy little phases just happen. What i hate is being that "good friend" to someone who just broke your heart. It's practically impossible but it's just something you have to do. I've done it so many times yet each time it happens, it's like its for the first time and i feel pain all the way. I cant be immuned to it. I dont know how. So, tonight, i feel pretty shit.. but i guess i'll have to get over this someday anyway. I had my chance a long time ago. It's a pity bullshit jsut has to happen all at the wrong time. I really need to get my timing right. The thing is, I didn't think i had a shot..it just felt kinda nice to like someone again. And i thought that i was beginning to fall for him and then BAM. It slaps you in the face. It hurts.
