Friday, May 26, 2006
I am SOO bloody sick of it all. I swear after that one guy who made my life a rotten living hell, and despite all that remains a friend of mine, I strongly believed that I would NOT, i repeat, WOULD NOT, ever get myself into something as fucked as that. Even if i had those little phases, i promised myself it would NEVER get out of hand.. it would never lead to so much pain, so much hurt, so much confusion, so much cloud over everything you say and do. I'm not one to break promises, but I couldn't even keep this promise to myself. It's so shameful. So to cut a long story short, I'm back to a fucken mess. I'm putting a few unnecesarry 'f' words i know but god, who gives a shit really. I was just thinking what the point of blogging was because really, I dont particularly want anyone to read this and know this is how i'm really feeling underneath it all. But theres only a handful of people that i really want to talk to now. One refuses to give a fuck about me despite the fact that he is meant to be one of my closest friends so I guess I can't talk to him. Another one is the one that i need to talk ABOUT so he definitely cant be the one to talk to right now. And the other one keeps disappearing from msn.. dont know when hes there or when hes not.. has his own issues so i wont make him stay.. tho its like hes not around these days anymore.. makes me feel sad coz i need him and hes not there.. oh well. As i was saying, since these people are not accessible, I have to blog otherwise I'd go insane.. but fucken.. i dont really know what im blogging about. i hate the situation im in.. i miss the ease of everything. the time where i didnt have to feel awkward.. have to cover up so much.. have to restrain from saying certain things to someone because they woudlnt feel the same way, thus not being appropriate. i DONT need this shit in my life right now.. i dont want it to mess with my head but it is. i didnt expect it to be exposed so soon.. im not ready for it; I wasn't before and now that it is out the way it is, I'm trying to accept the fact that the triangle is out. No more hiding and no more pretending things will be okay because no matter how much you break the silence with random lame lines, the underlying awkwardness.. the underlying pain is just there. sitting there eating at you. i know im hurt deep inside but i refuse to have it take over me completely.. just the past couple of days have been really random.. and i didnt think id have to deal with this in so much depth alongside having to come to terms that one of my best mates is such a fucken heartless son of a bitch. it's almost like so much shit has happened to me that i feel so numb to it all now.. i dont feel angry at him.. i jsut dont give a fuck when he walks past me. i can feel his eyes on me in legal but fuck, im not gonna make any first moves. im not in the wrong and for once that fucken bastard can rot till he fucken wakes up to his fucken senses. maybe i am beginning to see it. so fucken disappointed more than anything. thats the angry side.. the other side of me feels really helpless.. really not knowing what to do. seriously, i walk around my street a few times just to untangle the knots and all ive done is discover this new street I've never walked up and the dilemma back at square one. It's hopeless. I dont know what to do .. sometimes i feel nothing and sometimes.. it hurts. A lot. Thinking about it hurts. Seeing him hurts. Seeing her hurts. Seeing him AND her hurts. But not seeing him also hurts.. needless to say i am perfectly fine with them both .. im still completely normal with her.. theres no sense of jealousy or anything.. i love her coz shes a good friend and i have nothing against her. with him.. i manage to be myself 98% of the time. the other 2% is spent as he says, holding back. And in holding back, theres the mix of pain, confusion, sadness, and a whole lot of 'mann.. ur so stupid.' i dont know what i want from this anymore.. i dont really understand what is happening..im still surprised that he would even consider that second chance.. i dont deserve it. hes way too good to me and i do agree, what if we did get back together.. what if things just went out of wack again.. if theres one thing i will never return to, it is that painful aftermath. he is my best mate.. he puts me back when im out of line.. he gets me .. theres no way im going to let him slip away like that. it really is scary. but part me thinks we're older (not much) and its a different circumstance.. what if.. waht if we could really make this work? what if we could really last more than one month of pure happiness? its a really big risk but as the movie, "I do (But I don't)" says [roughly].. true love's when youre willign to take the risk.. iono goldfish memory kicking in.. that movie was sweet though but yeah fuck iono.. i had such a shitass day today.. wait last night was random enough.. i sacrificed my hurt to be the good friend for him and i dont regret it.. i wana be there for him and im glad things have worked out and i promised him it would so thankgod it did. but today.. i waited to get picked up and derno what i was feeling.. got in the car, felt slightly weird but as soon as we got into our usual spastic convos it was all good.. then she got in the car and i felt a moment of omfg what am i doing in this car and the silence just made it worse so i had to throw in a few random lines.. then i was alright till bianca came and I told her briefly what happened and she was sympathetic so with her sympathy i realised i didnt have to hide what i was feeling, and that was just plain shit. The rest of the day i managed to survive with the same underlying hurt, especially seeing him. Though the irony is when hes there he makes me smile. i went to do lunchorders duty thinking i wouldnt see him till.. the next week but as i walked past the canteen and indeed inside.. i saw him.. and thought what the fuck.. damn it was weird.. that one guy you wanted was standing tehere next to you handing out lunchorders with you.. patting you on the back with a FRIENDly gesture.. it all seemed a little surreal. i felt really sad more than hurt then.. at times i wished i could just hug him because i knew he'd make the pain go away but i couldnt. I cant. I guess I just want to throw it aside for now.. focus on work and enjoy what I have now.. IF by lucky chance, he decides to break my curse of fucked up liking-phases.. i hope i havent painfully convinced myself to move on yet.. because a large part of me really wants to see if we would work again.. everyone says how sweet and decent he is.. bianca even hassled me about it before.. not that i like him coz of what they say.. no not like the first time (though i did like him then too) but because i really genuinely see it. SIGH. i hope either way im happy.. because i really dont need to feel this sorta pain..not this year. i hate it when you realise something too late. you feel SO stupid.i think tday was a bad day to watch a chickflick which conveniently had to say the words "how about second chance?" i am seriously just sick of it. have a feeling there wont be the happy ending (/beginning) that im secretly hoping for. eugh. SIGH. Hate holding back.
