Friday, February 03, 2006
[theclick5 - catch your wave]
deardiary,
i think i'm alone. i think i'm falling. further and further in my own vomit of misery. i like this blog..i can see i'm going to be very attached to this because ironically this is my place. where noone really understands what i'm saying nor do they even know i'm saying it. i don't need an audience. i just need a place for my thoughts. first week of school is only JUST about to end in a day's time and already i feel the pressure, the stress, the extreme difficulty of sustaining happy chappy mood; maybe its pms. it would actually make sense but man, there's more to school that's giving me the biggest shits. for the first time in my entire life, i have to battle school (yes, battle like fucken studying properly not being some dumb shit sitting there thinking about certain fucken morons not doing work) AND the bullshit that goes on in my house. i'm being so verbally filthy here because though it doesn't appear so on the ulterior, i am so very pissed in the inside. everyone needs more help than they ever have and .. there's no sign of it anywhere. we're so alone. we're not a family. it's a sick kind of care where in the end, it's every man (or girl) for themselves. i can't do this on my own.. everyone is so gloomy; my brother is in constant depressed mood everyday.oh how i pity him.. and then there's the financial drama. centrelink & others decides to be a bitch and cut all our money. so that's nice. we're like those people in those ads for bankruptcy and them owing money shit. "poor" is no longer a generalisation or exaggeration. how a girl by the name of jennifer survives, i'm not too sure. feel like i'm on the verge of breaking down but then wtf? if i break now, how the fuck will i handle anything else? this is only the beginning honey. and how it brings me joy to think of it. fuck. weird thing today.. finished watching "Clueless" - soo cute heheh and somehow i came to the conclusion that in a vague kind of way, i'm like cher. LOL. very vague i know. well really, i just mean the whineyness haha. dont know about matchmaking .. probably settingup is more my thing. or is that kinda the same? well anyway, the bit how all this time cher realises she loves josh .. all the comments he makes seem to matter to her, gets all thingy about idea of tai likin josh.. somehow.. for like a little while, i thought i was in that position! i had a josh of my own!! today kinda made me think that but i don't have the time to think about things like that. not going through that confused abt emtions bullshit again. fuck that..always disappoints but yer, weird. i'll just try to picture the guy as christian haha. bestie & end of story. certainly made me happy today though..actually feel myself gaining 10% more happiness when he pops up. SIGHHHH. well that's the end of that. you know what else? while i was doing questions in modernshits, federico asked me how i was going and whether everything was okay for me so far..cos i bumped into him in canteen line and yer, somehow i told him about how worried i was about doing badly in modern. and yer, it sounds like nothing, but somehow when he asked me.. it made me feel like someone cared, someone gave a shit about how i'm doing in school. someone was willing to truly help me and i hadn't exactly asked for it so it was unexpected.. but sweet. it gave me that little bit more confidence to try and do well in mod. makes it seem like i'm in love with him hahaha. ewww.. but he's the only teacher that makes me motivated to study. anyways, gonna do a little bit of work and go to sleep even though it's nearly 1 and i'm here. *lifted eyebrow emoticon. i'm told i wont have a good year this year. i can clearly see how that works. pray for me. yes i do.. every single day. pray that i make it through this year.
signingout@1251am
- jennifer.
