Monday, February 06, 2006
deardiary,
sadly, i had a day full of shit. not to say the day was completely totally absolutely unbearable, but it came pretty close to it. i don't want to stay here too long because i don't want to pull an all-nighter for my religion assignment on thursday. i don't know.. i guess, somewhere in me, i feel well and truely sad and empty. there's a touch of confusion, a bigger touch of anger, and a whole lot of irritation but, *shrugs. feels kinda sad where i am at the moment. in a weird way, i don't really know where i am. the one thing i need right now - motivation. i'd love for someone to buy me a bagful of that. i desperately need it and call me blind or lazy even, but i just don't see it wherever i go. i want to do well, trust me, i really do.it just seems so hard to focus. to forget. to actually not care about certain dickheads. he treats me like shit but i just can't seem to shake him off completely. i don't understand it and i wish i knew what i did to deserve that treatment. i'm utterly clueless because as much as it angers me, it hurts me just as well. i can't stand to be in the same room as him; his presence is so unbearable. that look today, i mean who the FUCK does he think he is. fuck, i wanna see him chased by cheetahs and lions and then get half eaten and thrown into a sea of crocodiles and then have birds peck at his remaining mouldy disgusting flesh and have his body just rot in a blanket of maggots .. the talk of valentiens day kinda reminds me of last year though.. there were a few nice moments in between the pile of shit i was feeling most of the time. the bear still sits on the head of my bed. i still love it. but with a lost kind of love. an angry love perhaps. maybe, no love whatsoever would sound better. generally, i like valday. it's a sweet day and i love to be sweeped off my feet any day by mr spunkey, whoever he may be. i try not to think of it so much but, sometimes i find myself thinking about 'him'. i think that even if i were to completely like him, i wouldn't tell him because things are really perfect the way they are now. we've been really close for a long time now and i'm not going to risk anything to wreck it. i value him too much as a friend to lose our friendship. i like things how they are now. he brightens my day and he's caring and he's completely tolerable. even if he isn't, i'm never mad at him for long. he makes me smile when i see him and i think, that's all i need from him now. i'd be foolish to make things complicated for myself, him, and someone else, so this will stay with me. in other smiling news, who would have thought the return of a someone could make my pms day today, actually nice for at least a few minutes. and i never even saw the front of the face the whole day. i haven't even made contact yet. but it's really nice that someone can make you smile just by being there.. "yellowbag" heheh =]] welllllll yer, a lonely valday this year; but i guess it'll be fun. it would have to be; there's just no calling of being depressed on a day of happiness. actually, those who are lonely can mope together and those who aren't have nothing to worry about because theyre too high in the sky to notice all the mopey ones. i think it's safe to be neutral. SIGH. i need to start work. fast. man, mr.cricket&gilly&brettlee .. and then theres peterson&vettori. these cricket spunks make the sport soooo enjoyable. =] .. omg i really feel so empty inside!! =(
LOVE XX
- jennifer.
