Monday, January 23, 2006
[michellebranch - all you wanted]
FUCK. i lost all my emails that i had made so sure of keeping even in my busiest days in my old email account. i had a whole folder full of useful insights to some of my very happy and unhappy days in the past and now theyre gone. forgetfulness has never been a more irritatingly bad habit of human nature. some people purposely forget particular events in the past maybe because there's not a real reason to have actual proof of them being existent.i mean theyre in the past right? nothing in the 'now' will change what was in the 'then'. and there's no point trying to re-live moments that have surely already passed and are permanently unchangeable. people should move on. thats what i'm probably told to do all the time but you know what? i just cant. my life in the 'now' depends on every moment in the 'then' that meant something to me. i already have a bad memory naturally; the least i had was those little snippets. i had some really good times in years 9&10 and some really sucky ones; i met some incredible people whom i shared the greatest bond with. some bonds have grown stronger but some have kinda just disappeared. the one person who meant everything and theres no exaggeration to that word, kinda doesnt appear that way anymore but everyday i miss him; at least i think of him every so often. theres obviously nothing really there anymore between us but i still feel emptiness. im glad the shit that happened is over but how i miss those limited days of genuine friendship. it was the one friendship that i would have done anything for .. sounds liek i've sidetracked when i first complained about losing my emails but i guess that was my lame way of remembering those days with him - those few emails we exchanged. it's not the best example, but i think it makes me feel the impact of not knowing what something or someone is worth till its gone. technically, nothing's changed but the fact that i held on to a bunch of emails subconsciously made me feel safe; that i could justify and prove to myself those things did happen; not only with one particular person but with a few people. over those brief years, i had messy relationships with a few people; some i regret but all experiences i like to look back on from time to time. it's like that episode in smallville when clarke touched something that belonged to his grandfather, he went straight back to the exact time where he was using that piece of clothing or object.. oh well, it had to happen some day.
i have a lot of work to do and i have to see.. 'someone' tomorrow morning. yes, the person exists. i want to go to a Buddhist temple on the eve of Chinese New Year and pray all night because i want this year to be void of any unnecessary bullshit.
luvalwaiiz;;
Jennifer
not a good day// @1246pm
sunset kisses ;
