Saturday, January 14, 2006
[robthomas - ever the same]
love that song. well, back on msn hasnt been too bad considering new thoughts have replaced the last. its a new dilemma for me and sadly i dont know how long or how at all i can get over this. i've done the first step of accepting what happened, but its a little difficult to erase the entire memory. is it even possible? i'd like to think that someday in the near near near future, technology would grant us the opportunity to gain access to our twisted minds; just seep through, see if there are these little creatures with 3eyes and drool while controlling your thoughts - but all under some sick command. hmm, it doesnt seem to make much sense, but i swear, if i could actually go into my brain and happen to find those creatures, id slap them silly and recruit more better creatures, with 2 eyes maybe. *sigh. i think im trying to say.. i want to see how these thoughts and memories come about screwing my life over. when you want to forget something, its impossible. when you want to retrieve a certain time in your life, you find that it doesnt come as conveniently as you like it. something happend the other day; i dont think im ever going to reveal it. one of those things where you dont need to tell anyone because theres just no real need for it. and funny enough, i dont have the need to talk to someone about it. same with the other thing..but yer. this recent thing, god its like permanently glued to me. theres literally not an hour that goes by without me thinking of it. at first, i thought it was nice.. and now, i think what the fuck; that was the stupidest thing that could possibly happen. so it makes me think.. is it normal that this 'thing' seems to appear over & over & over again in my head? it was sick and it was twisted and it was random.. makes me feel extremely awkward and quite regretful it ever happened. quite frankly, it was bad. so very bad. ohmygod, i dont know what to do. well, there isnt anything TO do; but i cant stop thinking about it. id like to think that one day, i can wake up and say "goodmorning life, i love you" and smile a smile like everything is so damn hunkydory. i hate it so fucking much. why me.. of all the people you know.. why did you have to mess up my life? if life was pre-destined, i wish the gods would leave me the fuck alone. i would like to make my own destiny, if it isnt too much trouble. not this constant bullshit that happens to me all the time; the constant feelings of guilt, hurt, and sadness. you know i never thought i really belonged in this world. everything has always been a somewhere in between thing. my date of birth is on the borderline and thats all i can think of; i swear there is more.. _____ .. went over to diana's hosue the other day. heheh it was so cool, watching scarymovie3 and yer sampling the life of dinkii. it was nice =] busdrivers are such crappy menopaused fat men sometimes. and then, after a brief bitching, the next busdriver smiles at you and kinda welcomes you on board. life is strange but theres a certain kick to it which makes me mesmerised. no, i could never leave my life on purpose no matter how much i whinged.. ____ .. yay diana's bdaye on sunday =] .. ____ .. fuck man, that 'thing' just popped up in my head again. what id do to turn back time. actually, i'll think about that.. blah. i need to sleep. i didnt exactly promise, but ive been inclined to listen to this person all the time; i have to be in bed by 105am and i still have to brush my teeth and turn this laggy piece of junk off and turn of teevee and change to peejays and .. i guess thats about it. oh, actually fall asleep and wake up before noon. later days. =]
luvalwaiiz;;
me.
mentally disturbed to the max// @1255am
sunset kisses ;
